T & A...oops, no I mean Q & A

Hello, all, and welcome to another beautiful Sunday. The birds are singing, the wabbit is ripping his cardboard box apart, and there's cat yak on my carpet (with little pieces of cricket in it--so much for my good luck). Sorry I didn't get around to the Q & A yesterday; I climbed a mountain instead, which hopefully counts as a Good Enough Excuse (p.s. Moi, how in Dog's name do you run that trail?! Oh..ma..gawd!)

Since my gentle readers had, shall we say, limited interest in asking questions about China, I've decided to make up some of my own. For this I thank you, since I'm missed blogging free style and this gives me the perfect excuse to do it.

Q: How, exactly, do you use a squat toilet? Do the Chinese have gigantic quads or something?

A: For this you simply must read the essay from gut-bustingly funny Brian Sack: http://www.banterist.com/archivefiles/000348.html. I can't add to it. It's too good. He gets double extra points for referencing kilt-wearing Scots and using--and perhaps inventing--the word "penised."

Q: What constitutes an Asian breakfast?
A: There was a lot of information out there about Chinese breakfasts, so I simply chose the ones with the prettiest pictures to share here. However, the technological aspects of my blog are thwarting me and refusing to let me put the pictures here. Instead, they're firmly embedded at the beginning of the blog, so I'll just describe them here and you can reference them up top.

1. Mmm, pan fried buns! Full of flavorful pork filling, the dough is soft and gooey and the bottoms of the buns are beautifully grilled to a golden brown.

2. Here we have a leek box. These are calzone-like shells that are filled with lots of leeks and a little bit of chopped glass noodles.

3. These are onion/scallion pancakes. Different sounding, but yummy looking.

Does it seem like to you that the Chinese must start their days with very powerful breath??

Q: Wicked, I was really impressed with your writing when you started blogging. Now, though, you've become obsessed with China and I've grown bored. But what I really want to know is how you got to be so fabulous.

A: Dried rats. Lots and lots of dried rats.

Q: Do you know any weird facts about China?
A: Well, yes I do! Check 'em out:

1. The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' depicts two women living under one roof.

2. Chop-suey is not a native Chinese dish, it was created in California by Chinese immigrants.

3. The fruit that was most mentioned in the Bible, the fig, was introduced in China during the Tang dynasty (618-907 AD).

4. China has recently launched a crackdown on scary children's stories. According to Wang Song, an official of the National Anti-Piracy and Anti-Pornography Working Committee, one book in particular "misleads innocent children and distorts their mind and spirit." Sigh...if only we would be so concerned about the effect of video games on our own youth...

5. Hong Kong hosts an annual Bun Festival, during which contestants climb a giant, 30-foot tower of buns and grab as many buns as they can in order to win the competition. The tower is an ancient symbol of good luck and the buns are believed to ensure smooth sailing for the local fishermen.

Q: Do you know any more weird facts? They don't have to be about China. I just love weird facts.

A: I hear ya. Weird facts drive my world. Luckily, they're not hard to find on the internet, so feast your eyes on these babies:

1. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down -- hence the statement "to get fired." (Are you listening, Donald?)

2. A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in the world in relation to its size.

3. Smelling bananas and/or green apples (smelling, not eating) can help you lose weight.

4. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate (maybe it should find a barnacle).

6. Crickets hear through their knees.

Q: This blog really wasn't that funny even though you implied that it would be. Are you going to get funnier soon?

A: I hope so. Good Lord, I hope so.

Q: Are you done with China now?

A: Yes, I think so. It may pop up now and again with anecdotes from my mother, but otherwise, I think we can bid it a fond farewell. Goodbye, China! Goodbye!