Weirdness Is As Weirdness Does

I have four brothers. On any given day, it's pretty hard to weed out which one is the weirdest. They're all just so...odd. Fortunately, I turned out normal, which must have been a great relief to my parents. But I love my bros despite their strangeness, and maybe even a little bit because of it. Okay, a lot because of it. One of them toots, another one wears plants on his head for fun, and one likes music performed by tiny hamsters. Honestly, I do not make this stuff up.

And then there's Rob, my oldest b(r)other. Today I told him about my blog in a shameless effort to collect more votes for my imminent bloggie award (only 519 more to go!). He's such a good egg and I know he'll make every effort to load the votes in my favor, even if it means he has to perform erotic belly dances in front of his co-workers in exchange for that magical click on Wicked's brag badge. He'll do it; I'm sure of it. Right, Rob?

Everybody, this is Rob. Rob, this is everybody.

Caaaa-yute, isn't he? All my girlfriends had crushes on him when I was a teenager. But I'm telling you, as weirdness goes, he's off the charts. To illustrate: a little over a year ago, my ancient kitty, Whozit, died. Rob is a compassionate fellow who understands the pain behind losing a beloved pet, so he sent me the following scenario--imagined, I hope, but possibly channeled--to help ease my pain. (FYI, Cassie & Brayden are his kitties who had already crossed the Rainbow Bridge.)


Cassie and Brayden are out in the beer garden, drunk as skunks (skunks actually located three beer gardens over, where they don't stink anymore).

POOF, Whozit appears.

Cassie & Brayden: "Jesus, what was that?!!"

POOF, Jesus appears. "Yeah, this happens a lot. It's cool; party on hepcats."

POOF. Whozit appears disoriented. "Man, I feel like i just got run over by a truck."

"No, that's me," says Brayden. "You just plain died. Want a catbeer?"

Whozit: "Hot damn tamale! I made it to Plan A! Thankee Jesus! Who'd athunk it."

POOF, Jesus reappears. "You're quite welcome, and you should sit right here at the table with the rest of my favorite critters ever."

POOF, Elvis substantiates. "Did someone mention tamales? Oh hey J-man, did you ever get that endless small diet cola dispenser workin, man?"

Jesus: "You know it, pres. You're half the love on all of earth, so you get small diet colas forever, and you deserve every one of them.

"Elvis: "Aw, thank ya man. Thank ya very much."

POOF.

Whozit, Cassie, and Brayden look at Jesus. Hmmm.

Jesus looks back. Hmmm.

Jesus breaks the silence: "I heard he's gay."


That's Rob--weird with a beard and odd all over. Personally, I think this gesture was right in line with beating up a schoolyard bully or telling my dates that he'd kick their ass if they laid a hand on me. It was beautiful.

Weirdness, man--it's what brothers are for.