I grieved hard before I went to Arlington to be with my family. I railed against young lives taken far, far too soon and stupid motorcyclist punks who think going down the highway at 120 mph is a fun way to spend a Tuesday night. I cried and cried and felt nonstop nausea. But when I got to Texas, I put it all on hold because it was simply too much for me to be there among his family, among his things, and know that he was gone. I was consumed instead with ineffective thoughts about how to create a levee of support that might keep the darkest pain at bay for my aunt, uncle, and Jason's brother. When I wasn't doing that I was busy being pissed off. I spent the entire funeral inwardly chanting the words, "You stupid shit," while looking at Jason's casket. I trust this is a symptom of grief that God understands. To everyone who would listen, I said the only words I had, which were, "This sucks." I think, in a mild alcohol-induced haze, I held my uncle's face in my hands and told him my philosophical opinions about the uselessness of blame. I relearned how to really hug while I was there.
Now that I'm home, though, the pain is seeping back in to all the tight places. While in Texas, I craved to know all the stories about Jason that I could hear; now I find that learning about his tremendously loving heart creates a new flare of hurt for me. And at the same time I need those stories so that I can know Jason better, so that I can begin to understand who it was we lost.
In my head I have crafted a dozen better blogs that were actually about Jason. This one, loosely woven as it is, is the best I can do tonight. There will more later, as there are so many stories to tell about this boy and his funeral, not to mention one hell of a video to show you. In the meantime, go to the comments section of my last blog and read my brother Rob's thoughts on the matter; they're well worth your time. And thank you for indulging me tonight.
I leave you with the only words I have left:
This sucks.
4 comments:
Anam cara-once again you have touched my heart and showed me a new place of feeling.
When I was reading the news on Friday--I really *knew* you were angry, I felt that,too. Thank you for sharing with us,and I will send my thought to your family.
What a beautiful tribute from Rob. I have no words for times like this other than to convey my deepest, most heartfelt condolences. And also to comment that it seems to me Jason really LIVED.
IT suck to die without having lived, sometimes we assume that the older you are the more you have lived....
sounds like Jason was LIVING
LIVE each day - its truley a gift
http://potw.news.yahoo.com/s/potw/37837/the-10-million-giveaway/
My cousin lived by his own terms and how many people can say that? Living everyday to the fullest and making your life count! Most people do not reflect on their lives until they are in the winter stages and then at that point there are a lot of would haves, could haves and should haves. Wasn't the case for my cousin. Spontaneous and adventure seeking would describe this free spirit. Convential and traditional ways of living were not how my cousin chose to live and I loved him for that. Jason believed in making the moments count and isn't that what it's all about? As far back as I can remember, Jason was always the one that came up with all the creative ideas to build up to a great laugh. His sense of humor was one of the priceless talents he possessed. Jason also had a way of persuading people to believe what he believed (myself included) but not in a condescending or manipulative way at all. People "bought" into his spirit and his presence as a person- it actually beat anything I had ever seen. A short story that I witnessed would be a great example of the above. The year was 2005, the month was June and Jason came into town for my brother's wedding. The wedding was on a Friday and that next morning, Jason and my friend Melissa went to go bust Bill's honeymoon at the Boomtown Casino. Melissa and I were in my car and Jason was on his cycle. Jason was riding alongside us on Youree Drive. Jason was freeking the Shreveport residents out with his turns, handstands, and with the speed and control he had with the bike. We all came to the intersection of Kings and Youree. Jason was in the left lane and the guy that was next to him (in the right lane) was yelling at him and really upset how Jason was driving on the open road. And this is no lie, by the time the light had turned to green Jason had this guy laughing and the guy even waved at him as Jason took off. This is only one example of how Jason won over all of us. Jason had a talent in "living". Jason was a son, a brother, a nephew, a friend to many and... my cousin. God Speed, Jason) you are loved forever!!!
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