Random Tuesday

Yes, that's right, friends, it's time for another episode of Random Tuesday. This is real even though the posting date on this blog says Sunday and the calendar says Monday. Do not allow yourself to be so influenced by outside forces.

Let us begin.

There exists a term that I believe I coined but may have simply hijacked from another source, as I often do. Fortunately, due to my short-term memory issues, the point is not only irrelevant but moot. The term "pee foot" was born out of a need to describe what happens when my big boy Max cannot effectively negotiate his fat ass in the litter box and accidentally steps in his own pee. Peefoot--it's a handy term. Never did I think I would have opportunity to apply this word to another scenario, but Lawd Almighty, today I did. I went to pick up a 2nd grade boy, who is as chattery as the day is long but is also, unfortunately, most difficult to understand. Ergo, me. He has a verbal motor that is permanently set to warp speed and the second we stepped out of his classroom and into the hall, the stories started. Today he was telling me about a classmate named Cecil. My guy points at Cecil and proceeds to inform me that Cecil peed on his foot. Well, I assume he meant something totally different like, "See that guy there? He brought a fried alligator sandwich for lunch today," but since I can't understand a frickin' word he says it's hard to tell. So I smile and nod and wonder why the hell somebody isn't helping this kid. Well, he's not going to let me off the hook that easily, no siree. He told me again. And normally I would reiterate what I thought I heard and let the kid tell me how much--if any--of it I got right, but I'm reluctant to say the word "pee" to a 2nd grader. Next thing I know it'll be all over school that Miss Wicked said "pee" and then the other kids will point and laugh at me. Anyway, after he tells me three or four more times and I'm not getting anywhere with it, I finally said it. "Child," I say, "are you telling me that Cecil peed on your foot?!" "YES!" he rejoices, and I am stunned. Turns out that at the school carnival a few weeks ago these two boys spent a little unsupervised time outside together. This is trouble to start with, but apparently Cecil was doing a little nature peeing and thought it might be fun to pee on his friend's foot. And now my guy has the pee foot. This was an incredibly startling and gross story and it made me so happy that I'm not a boy. By the way, there's no need to go feeling all sad for my guy, because I guarantee you he either had it coming or Cecil was just paying it forward. Trust me here.

Moving on:

DO NOT LET ANOTHER MINUTE GO BY WITHOUT WATCHING THIS VIDEO!!

Friends, we are talking William Shatner and Marcia Brady here, among others.

http://www.bradpaisley.com/

It will tickle your funny bone, I promise.
*Spotted by eagle eye blogger, Bonnie Joe. Thanks, cow whisperer!

On another note, within nanoseconds of publishing my blog on all my neighbors moving out, someone moved in across the street. Pah. No more nekkid dancing.

And yet more:
My strange cat Fifi is a bit, um, antagonistic at times. Just this very moment she got all fired up and wanted to pick on Max. Max is big and it takes considerable energy to get him going, but she's all, "Watch this," and "I'm gonna kick your ass." So she sidles up and stands right in front of him. Her goal here is to kick him in the head enough times that he will finally get up and chase her around, at which point she'll go under the bed where he can't fit. She's a first-class bee-yotch, I'm telling ya. So there she is, back foot lifted and in position, and she proceeds to kick the air next to his head emphatically. Multiple times. After a minute or so of this she looked back at him with disgust in her eyes as if to say, "Lardass," and stomps off. She is right now under the bed wearing a sour expression and wondering why her tactic didn't work. And I'm sorry, but that's all the cat stories you're getting tonight.

*note angry feline expressions