Wicked's List of Five

I spend approximately 7 1/2 hours in the car each week going to and from work. Believe me, folks, that's a lot of thinking time. Sometimes I think about grown up things, like what presidential hopeful I'll vote for in the primary; sometimes more practical matters cross my mind, like whether Velveeta or shredded cheddar makes the better nacho topping (4 out of the 5 voices in my head say Velveeta).

But what I like to do most of all when I'm driving is to make lists. I'm not talking grocery lists or prioritizing work tasks for the day work, no, no, no. That would be far too useful. Nor am I even loftily listing all the charity groups I'd like to contribute my hard-earned pennies to or mentally organizing the tax documents I have received thus far, mm-mm. No, I make lists of silly things. Things like the five best words that describe someone's thoughts upon walking into a yoga class full of people doing the Frog pose. Or the eight strangest hats ever worn by the Queen of England. Or the six most hysterically funny moments in the history of the Carol Burnett show.

My latest mental list involves vocal artists whose songs make me laugh out loud. I get lots of research time on this one. Much as I enjoy those "Ooh, baby" Justin Timberlake-like tunes that celebrate love in all its strange and fascinating forms, I'm a sucker for songs about the otherness of life--you know, songs that have something more meaningful to say than what you might see on a fifty cent Valentine card ( You are so fine, would you please be mine). Songs like Flowers on the Wall, Me Upon My Pony on My Boat, Fried Chicken and Gasoline, Sin Wagon, and pretty much any song about whiskey consumption. The dealio is that I love to be entertained with weirdness. And don't act like you don't, too, because if you're reading this blog, then yes, you do.

Yea, behold as Wicked's List of Top 5 Songs About Things Other Than Love, With Crossover Tunes Included Just to Cover the Bases is unveiled:

1. Red Meat: this group has been the most recent to capture my fascination. I was completely hooked the minute I heard, "12-Inch, 3-Speed Oscillating Fan." Take old time "Hee Haw" country and mix it with the B-52s, and you got 'em. Sorta.
Crossover faves: "The Girl With the Biggest Hair" and "14 Hours to Tulsa."
(If you want to put your toes firmly over the line of romance and into its ensuing disasters, "Highway to Heartaches" is a musn't miss.)

2. Jimmy Buffett: "Pencil Thin Mustache"
Good ol' Jimmy never lets us down for music that entertains and slips past the sentry of requisite "ooh ooh" and "baby baby" to get onto pop radio stations. C'mon now--"Cheeseburger in Paradise," "Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude"--he's got come on over and grab a beer, why don't ya? all figured out.
Crossover faves: "Come Monday" and "Why Don't We Get Drunk"

3. Kids' songs: "Movin' Right Along" & "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything"
Kermit the Frog and Fozzy Bear don't need no steenking love--just ask Miss Piggy. Nope, they're free spirits on the open road, with nothing but good company and the occasional directional blurp to guide them. And for a more contemporary look at things, there's always the Veggie Tales gang, who are chock full of silly songs. I know they're supposed to have a Christian bent, but for the life of me I just do not see it. Is it just me? Am I that dense? I just think they're goofmeisters. Maybe I'm not getting the subtle undertones here.
Crossover faves: "Barbara Manatee" and "His Cheeseburger"

4. Southern Culture on the Skids: "Camel Walk"
This song has more quotable quotes than Volume XCLIIV of Reader's Digest Book of Quotes & Quips. Technically, I'd have to say that it's a love song, but it's a weird one so I'm counting it. After all, the opening line is, "Yo, ye pharaohs, let us walk through this barren desert in search of truth and some pointy boots, and maybe a few snack crackers." So you see my categorization dilemma.
Crossover fave: "Dirt Track Date"

5. Enter the Haggis: "The Barfly"
This song will break your heart right open with its story of a man who "sits all alone in a bar, smoking cigarettes he knows he can't afford" while he reflects on his life. It will make you think differently of every man you know of a certain age. These guys just don't play a bad track.
Crossover fave: "She Walks Through the Fair"

5a: Gaelic Storm: "Kelly's Wellies" & "Don't Go For the One"
This group is my other new favorite. BeauMan and I went to see them in concert a few months ago. Despite sitting behind a railing that required either squishing ourselves down in the seat to see between the bars or extending our backs beyond their vertebral capacities to peek over the bars, this Irish group had us wrapped around its pinkie almost instantaneously. This band illustrates why we love to go see live music--by the second song, we were singing songs we didn't know the lyrics to and waving our hands in the air. And we weren't even drunk.

And now for Songs That Don't Quite Fit Into the Non-Lovey-Dovey Category, But Are Plenty Sure Worth Mentioning:

The Conchords: "Business Time"
Good heavens, you must not miss this song! Download it. Come to my house and hear it. I don't care how you get it, but get it. I don't know much about this group, other than that they are PIYP* funny. This is a satirical song about the art of making love. Take a very serious, sexy Barry White-like delivery and mix it with bone-dry humor and you get this:

Then we're in the bathroom brushing our teeth. That's all part of the foreplay. I love foreplay. (Shake-a shake-a, a-shake-a shake-a, OW!) Then you go sort out the recycling. That isn't part of the foreplay process, but it is still very important.

Next thing you know we're in the bedroom. You're wearing that baggy old ugly t-shirt you got from your work several years ago. Mmmhh, you know the one, baby--with the coffee stains. (Ahhhooohow..) I remove my clothes very, very clumsily, tripping sensuously over my pants. Now I'm naked, except for my socks. And you know when I'm down just to my socks what time it is.

It's business, it's business time. You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business that's why we call it business socks, ooh. It's business, it's business time.

Oh, and it does go on. Seriously, download this. But pee first.

Floyd Callen: "It's Hard to Come Home Early If You're Drinkin' With the Guys"
So hey, please open up that door and let me in, I've been drinking all night long and I'm locked out again. It's getting kind of chilly, because, look, my shirt is tore. Just look how red my knuckles are from knocking on the door.

What about you? Do you have a song you listen to just for the sheer, absolute, ridiculosity of it? I know you do. Tell me what it is. I'm always looking for new fodder for my entertainment purposes. AJ, you better jump right in here because you are the king of this sort of stuff.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to settle in and wait for your fabulous responses.

*Pee In Your Pants