Sorry, You'll Have to Talk to My Sock Puppet About That

On behalf of my b(r)other AJ, I am calling off the Week of the Penis. After all, we are entering week 2 now, which would technically require me to change my blog title to the Weeks of the Penis. And adding that extra "s" is just too much doggone work for me. So please, if you have a penis, go ahead and deactivate it now. Thank you.

Today I would like to talk to you about the voices in my head. You know the ones I'm talking about. Those folks who natter on about this and that, insensitive to the time of day or night that they intrude upon your thoughts. The ones who carry on in stereo and whose voices bounce off the inner walls of your skull like a slew of out-of-control pinballs. No? It's just me?

Hmph. Well, then, I guess we better refer to this blog a tutorial. Please make sure you have a sharpened #2 pencil and something on which you can take notes. I'll wait while you return to your seats...

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Okay, let's get started. I've always referred to my little mental assemblage as The Committee. Their purpose seems to be:

1) worrying about things in the future over which I have no control;

2) remarking upon the deficits in my character (hello, rude);

3) creating endless to-do lists;

4) checking in on a frequent basis, often around 3:00 in the morning, to see if I have done those things on their to-do list; and,

5) other duties as assigned

They are annoying as all git out.

They take their jobs as committee members seriously. They argue and bicker and each one tries to talk louder than the others so that their opinion can be heard. They're bossy and when they order lunch, they never include me. Sometimes I catch them sleeping and, when I do, I slap 'em in the head just for the pure pleasure of it. Sure, it wakes them up and gets them going again, but it's worth the sense of satisfaction for me. Some days I have better control over them than others, and I've learned that drinking heavily does quite a bit to slow them down. (It also has the added benefit of bringing out a whole other group of voices who are waaay more fun. But that's another story for another blog.)

The Committee and I have lived together for years and over time we have learned to accommodate one another. When they get too full of themselves, I just drown them out with gangsta rap. When they think I'm not listening, they wake me up at night to prove their influence. I suppose you could call it a wary truce.

The other day, though, I learned a little trick from a friend that has had a powerful impact on the authority of this gang of provokers. A pal of mine told me a story about a friend of his who has her own voices to vie with. In an interesting twist, she doesn't think of them as big grown-up CEOs or power-hungry board members. No, instead she thinks of them as...sock puppets. SOCK PUPPETS, I tell you!!

Oh, how I love this! I immediately started thinking of mine in the same way, and you know what? You absolutely, positively cannot take a sock puppet seriously. Just imagine a sock puppet saying the following:

"I can't believe you're wearing that. You look like crap."

Oh, yeah, well, what does a sock puppet know about fashion?! You're wearing a sock, for heaven's sake. I'll just wear whatever the ding-dilly-dang I want and call it avant garde, so there.

"Did you get that paperwork to your boss? Did you call that parent? Did you reschedule that meeting? Have you fed the cats?"

A sock puppet has no sense of time. Or responsibility. And, therefore, has no authority in this realm. Thpfffft.

"Why did you say that? That was really dumb."

Have you ever heard a sock puppet say something clever? No? Me neither. Nobody even really respects a sock puppet. They just laugh at them. And so I laugh at you now. Ha ha!

This whole new sock puppet idea has set my free. Now, when the committee tries to influence me, I simply cannot not take them seriously. I mean, how could I, what with them wearing socks and all? Try it. And if you don't happen to be someone who is plagued by pesky mental voices, try it on those real-life pesky people. Next time someone's annoying you with their opinion or high-falootin' insights, mentally dress them up in an argyle or knee-high and see what that does for you. And then try to keep from laughing.