Day One With the Children
1. This guy is in 5th grade now. Also, he's off his meds. And he's just spent two months with his crazy mother. So on day one in his new classroom, this is what he did:
Teacher, who is reviewing the rules and regulations of her boot camp...er, classroom and is just about to tell the kids that she considers herself to be a strict teacher, even though we all know that she's really just a nasty old Cruella deVille who enjoys demeaning children: "Kids, I want you to know that I consider myself to be a (pauses for dramatic effect)--"
Stanley: "Asshole!"
Stanley, one, Batcrazy teacher, zero!! I don't think he needs that medication after all. As an added bonus, he enunciated all the sounds in "asshole" quite well, which means that I am doing my job.
2. We have one particular student--another 5th grader--who tends to steal things, followed by vehement denials of said criminal activities (all the while sucking you in with his beautiful, doe-like, guilt-evading eyes). We warned his new teachers about this, as well as the possibility that he might covertly steal away from class and just possibly start a fire in the bathroom trash. We gave them strategies to deal with these behaviors. We explained some of the social-emotional issues he has that might cause this sort of behavior. In fact, we felt quite proud of ourselves for covering our bases so very, very thoroughly. What we didn't prepare them for, however, was the fact that he just might pee on the floor during class.
Which he did. Number one question asked by every person who heard the story: "Did he pee in his pants or did he just whip it out?" We all wanted to know whether the penis made an appearance. Who knew the school was populated by so many voyeurs?
3. Remember my saran-wrapped car? And before that, my stuffed-with-shredded-paper car? Well, there was one particular young lady who was involved in--nay, instigated--both of these activities. She's the daughter of one of the teachers, so it only stands to reason that she's got rules to break and mayhem to prove. Well, today the little imp got her desk wrapped in saran wrap! Ha! That'll show her! Wrapped it right up! Nice and tight! Let the pranks begin! And before you go accusing me of discriminating against 5th graders in this post, let me assure you that this youngster is also in the 5th grade, so that means...huh. I guess it means I've got something against the 5th graders this year. What do you know? Still, pretty good prank, eh? Eh?? Can I get a witness?
All right, Wicked out. I gotta go search for my mojo. I think one of the kids stole it today. Probably a dang 5th grader.
7 comments:
First of all, to the Johnny Depp quote? Amen. Public school was only invented because the gooberment outlawed child labor. Boo. Oh, and, go ahead and discriminate against 5th graders. I do. Sixth graders, too. And, while we're at it, let's toss in 7th through 11th. Only high school seniors get a break from Moi. Because for all practical purposes, they're adults anyway. Besides, who would we get to work at The Gap?
...guess which one of *my* children starts 5th grade this year? (if you guessed "he who knits with one arm while breaking the other on his skateboard," you are correct) he is sooooooooooooooooooooooo bored with school & generally miffed at the compulsory attendance--moi & i can't blame him--sure wish he had a worthy foil like you'reself to spice up his workday.
you're kids are lucky. 'round these parts they'd risk an eventual hangin' fer Bein' Retarded.
well, actually i guess they could get that just about anywhere. which is why YOU should NOT quit you're job any time soon (i.e. ever).
p.s. and of course to get me crossed up with moi, my first son goes senior this year. he imagines himself an adult, but, um...hell, *everyone* knows the rest of *this* sentence. and btw we ditched his worthless district h.s. and he will officially do his senior year on teh interweb. we still get calls that he's absent from said h.s. classes, though. BWAAAAAHHHH HA HA HA HA HA!!!
p.p.s. you're kids all totally rock. brain blips 'n all.
ooh, I've waited soo long for the school stories.Just a couple of questions...what happened with the "asshole" remark, is he dead?
Well. Did he????
who wrapped the desk?
And here I worry about kids being bored at school, glad you're there to amuse.
aaaaaand BY TEH WEH:
using the phrase "Batcrazy" means you now have to share you-know-particular-what, and copyright be blowed. or, perhaps i just did.
(to dr: c'mon, you *know* he did)
Moi: Interesting view into Wicked's psyche: I thought the quote said, "School's a weird thing. I'm not sure *how* it works." And I, like, super duper agree with that.
aj: da-HANG, i wish andy dick and i were hanging out together this year. we'd start the first ever all-school extreme knitting club. then we would prank people with our knitted goods. also, i sensed a tinge of boredom in you're elder son lately. now i understand--he's in *internet* high school.
DR:
1. In a surprising twist, the teacher actually seemed to handle the situation pretty well. no principal's office, no ass whoopin'. later, though, she probably nailed his thumbs to the floor.
2. It remains a mystery, much like bigfoot or the bermuda triangle. nobody knows for sure.
3. You know who wrapped the desk. Don't be coy with me.
aj: no, *you* say it! (also, i have no idea what you're talking about. love you!)
okey dokity:
my mama always said batcrazy is as batcrazy does. she was kinda like a box of chonklits that way.
http://www.psmueller.com/batshit.htm
aj: AHA! AHA!! i should have known it was the mueller at work! Full blown batshit crazy! Yeah, that's what it was. Thanks for the illumination.
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